In her 1989 book Family Size and Achievement, Judith Blake calls the only child peculiar, “over privileged, asocial, royally autonomous…self-centered, aloof and overly intellectual.” The article I read today in Time Magazine (“One and Done” by Lauren Sandler) spends most of its time trying to refute these classifications of only children (or “singletons” as the article insisted on calling them – a distinction I found unnervingly too trendy). Sandler cites psychological surveys, financial statistics, case studies, Europe, and her own “singleton” child as evidence to disprove the “ Only Child Myth.” “Onlies” do better in school, are more likely to seek higher education, they have more confidence, better relationships with their parents and are at least as well adjusted as their peers who have siblings. Having one child allows parents to experience the joys of child rearing without the haggardness that comes with having multiple children. And for low-income families, “onlies” are far more cost efficient than multiple children – a recession proof baby, what’s not to want?But for all Sandler’s talk about financial efficiency and parental bliss, she never discusses how the “singletons” actually feel about their familial situation. In fact, Sandler seems to have carefully chosen to interview only parents with very young children, perhaps to avoid giving her audience a child’s perspective on growing up without siblings.I was raised as an only child (I make the distinction from of saying “I am an only child” because I did have a half-brother, but our sixteen year age gap prevented us from ever growing up together like siblings). I do have a close relationship with my parents. And while my circumstances may have enabled a richer intellectual upbringing (I always did very well academically and was able to graduate from college a year and half early), I’m not sure it was an ideal situation. For the most part I was a very awkward, very lonely little girl. All I wanted was a younger sister – which I begged my parents for every Christmas, but though my parents wanted other children, they’d had me late in life and having more wasn’t a medical option (this was a few years before infertility treatments became popular). Though I now have a healthy and fulfilling social life, I can’t help but wonder whether I would have been more comfortable with myself if I’d had a sibling to pal around with.To date I’ve never met an only child whose parents chose to stop at one; they’re always a product of circumstance, usually divorce or infertility. For the most part we’re well-adjusted human beings living among the masses, though there are always going to bet the few who are self-centered, aloof, and asocial. Similarly, I’ve never met an only child who didn’t at one point in time long for a sibling. Ours’ is a position of acceptance, not privilege, though it does enable a certain early maturity (while I can’t say my grades had anything to do with my status as an only child, I can say that ability to productively use “alone time” is probably an effect of my upbringing). Sandler makes some interesting arguments in favor of having one child, but having gone through it myself I don’t think I could do it another child. Intellectual growth and alone time aside, when/if I have children, I want just that – children, not child.
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